This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Karen Lee-Coss, 53, who lives in North Carolina. The mom of two teenagers takes care of her 78-year-old mom and took care of her dad before he died. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Caregiving for a parent is a lot like being a parent yourself. Even if you do send your children to day care or someone comes into the home to help, you’re still always on 24 hours a day.
I’ve been a full-time employee at a medical device company for eight years and have been caring for my parents for over 10 years. My mom got sick years ago, and my dad was her caregiver. When he got sick, I became a caregiver for both. When he died, my mother moved in with us.
I’m also a mom of two teenagers and married to a wonderful husband.
My mom became very ill and was hospitalized for a year
My parents lived two and a half hours away from me, so I became my father’s reinforcement. I was always in between places, whether on the weekends or taking off time during the week.
My dad was still in really good health at that time. After we were able to transition my mom home, she got well. A couple of years later, she started having mini strokes.
She had a massive stroke in 2019. Caregiving then advanced to another level — having to be her mobility and move her, making sure that everything was taken care of hygiene-wise, preparing for meals, doctor’s appointments, and getting her in and out of the car.
My dad did most of the care. We did have an in-home care person come to assist him for a couple of hours, but for the most part, he was the caregiver.
About three years ago, my dad fell ill
I was trying to encourage my parents to move near me so that we could get them into a senior center or care center. My dad wasn’t able to make the move due to congestive heart failure. I continued to go back and forth between my home and theirs.
My company transitioned to hybrid work after being completely remote during COVID-19. I was going into the office on Tuesday through Thursday. I spent every other day at my parents’ house.
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My family probably could see me changing, as I was very tired of the travel and the physical and emotional part of supporting a family two and a half hours away from each other. I couldn’t stop because all of them were just as important as the rest.
I did that up until 2023 when my dad died. I then had to become my mother’s caregiver, and she moved in with us. We moved to a larger home that has space to support my family.
Karen Lee-Coss
I wear many hats when it comes to taking care of my mom
I do everything from bathing to washing, dressing to speech therapy and physical therapy, outings, doctor’s appointments, hair washing, skincare, and pedicures.
I take care of her the way that I would want someone to take care of me. I know the state my mother lived in before she got sick, and I always want to maintain that.
My husband and kids help out. They always make sure that my mom is attended to, such as when it comes to meals, conversation, playing games, and spending time. They do more of a companion type of care.
They also help with transporting her. She’s in a wheelchair, and her room is on the top floor. We have a stair lift that we use to bring her down.
Caring for my kids and a parent is mental gymnastics
I have to really search deep because all of the relationships are important to me. When my children want to have a conversation, I have to know how to take the caregiver hat for my mother off and put the mother hat for my children on.
When my son was getting ready to go to college recently, I realized, This is my time to be his mother. He needs me to be present. We talked about his worries, fears, and excitement.
There are some days when I’m super overwhelmed. I try to reassure my family that we can do this together with understanding, conversation, and communication. It’s mental gymnastics. I need to know how to be agile and flexible.
Caregiving has made me more positive
It has grown my faith tremendously and also grown my self-confidence. When I look back and see all the things that I’ve gone through and done them with grace and a smile on my face, it’s amazing.
Caring for my family members has shown me that I’m a manager of chaos.
It has also allowed me to stop and smell the flowers because, at my father’s death, it resonated with me that tomorrow is not promised. I try to etch out time for my husband, my children, and my mother individually.
Before taking care of my parents, I was a little bit self-centric
I would want to have my me time and quiet time, and go get my nails done and all the things. Now, I sacrifice that sometimes, or I have to juggle it a little bit.
I’ve learned that it has changed me to be strong but vulnerable. It allows me to be relatable. If I go through this and I act like I’ve got it all under control and I’m superwoman, then that’s not teaching people to sit in their emotions. To me, that’s not realistic, that’s not sustainable.
I remember being that person who needed a schedule, being predictable, and everything had to be in the know. Now sometimes I have to just go with the flow, and that’s OK. That’s the biggest thing that I have learned: I’m not in control of everything.
Do you have a caregiver story to share? Contact this reporter at [email protected].
