This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Pat Zawko, 67, who lives in upstate New York and works full-time as a nurse. Zawko raised her grandson from birth, and she is now helping him raise her great-grandson. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
My husband and I raised our grandson from age 5 months to adulthood. We are now helping him raise his son, whom he raises as a single parent.
I was raised in upstate New York in a very rural area. I was one of nine children, the first girl after six boys. My grandmother helped shape who I am today. I didn’t go to college until I was 29, and I became a nurse. I progressed to completing my Ph.D.
All our children are adopted. We made that decision very consciously. I found out that I couldn’t have biological children, so in 1982, we adopted our first son. He had lots of health issues, and he was in and out of psychiatric facilities. We paid for all of his rehabs and facilities, and he didn’t qualify for any subsidies back then. My husband and I decided to adopt two more children, and both of them are very successful in their adult lives.
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We got custody of our grandson when he was an infant
When he was 17, he and a young lady ran away to Florida, and they had a child. They were involved with drugs, and we got custody of their son when he was 5 months old. My son died when he was 23.
Raising our grandson wasn’t really a choice, and we had to do what was right. He had special needs, which brought with it an entirely new set of needs medically, psychologically, and educationally. There were many challenges in raising him. We couldn’t get him insurance for about six months. My husband didn’t grow up with money, and he worked very hard in his life, but he never questioned taking the money that he had saved long before he met me and pouring it into these children.
He went down a similar road to his biological father. He got a young girl pregnant, and he became a single dad. He was left with this baby. We were living in Ohio at the time, and we moved back to New York to help him. The parents of the baby’s mother are wonderful people and are very supportive financially, physically, and emotionally. There’s never tension between us. My great-grandson’s birth mother hasn’t seen him in two and a half years.
When we took in our grandson, my other children were 10 and 11. We didn’t have any baby stuff. We didn’t have day care. We were used to sleeping all night because our kids were pretty independent.
Getting my grandson upset the equilibrium of the family. We had to give our kids the attention they needed, but we also had a baby with different needs.
My grandson is 25 now. Back when we started raising him, nobody was talking about the financial and emotional impact that grandparents raising grandchildren has. Nobody stopped to look at how it impacts family dynamics. We couldn’t get help. You’re stretching out that time period when you’re parenting, where you think that you can’t be a grandmother because you have to parent this child.
I see it more frequently in my profession, where grandparents, some of them older than I am, bring in grandchildren, sometimes four or five little ones running around.
My grandson needs a fair amount of support with his autism diagnosis. It’s a huge transition for him, and he’s needed lots of support and guidance.
I can be a grandmother to my great-grandchild
Now that my grandson has a son, I can finally be a grandmother; before this, we were our grandson’s only parents. There were times that I felt robbed of being a grandmother with my grandson, as we had to be parents. I wanted to spoil him and send him on his way, but I couldn’t.
Now I am technically a great-grandmother, and being able to be a grandmother for the first time. I am overjoyed and thrilled to finally be a grandma and not a parent. I can spoil him, play with him, teach him old songs, and send him home with his dad.
I still work full-time at 67, partly because raising grandchildren is very expensive. I often put in 12-hour night shifts at the hospital. I also had to pay for cancer treatments that ate through my retirement. We poured much of our life savings into making sure he had everything he could to become a productive member of society. He has a home and a car. He works full-time. He’s able to experience success in being a parent, which neither he nor I ever dreamed was possible.
We know we did the right thing, but you don’t think about the strain it puts on your finances, especially as you approach retirement in your later years. It takes a village to be successful as grandparents raising grandchildren. We don’t have the energy that we did when we were 30.
We raised kids for 35 years
For 35 years, we raised kids, and now we have to take care of ourselves, which is not nearly as easy as one might think. We feel the pinch now with our health. But these kids have been worth the investment.
My great-grandson is 3 years old, and helping raise him is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. He’s the light of our life. They don’t live far from us, and the baby often stays with us. We get to impact his life on the level that grandparents should. We’re probably more active in his life than the average grandparent. He knows nothing other than absolute unconditional love.
When he comes here, we call him the “hurricane” because he trashes the house. When he leaves, we clean it up and take joy in that. He’s able to be a kid. We don’t need to worry about his doctor’s appointments or getting him into preschool.
My other son came by and saw we had given the baby Cheetos. He said, “You would never let us eat that. How come you’re letting him?” I told him it’s because I don’t have to worry about all the other stuff. I understand that a Cheeto is not going to ruin his life, whereas when you’re raising your own children, you are so worried about everything that you’re going to make a mistake that’s going to derail their life.
I used to say that we can make every generation better. If my great-grandson can have a better life than his father, and his father can have a better life than his father, that’s the goal.
