This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Daniel Medved, 33, a senior product marketing manager at a tech company in Seattle. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I’m a one-man band raising my three little ones.
My mornings start at 6:30 a.m., unless one of my kids comes to my room before I’m up. Those early hours are filled with getting them dressed, brushing hair, brushing teeth, and applying sunscreen in the summer.
I raise my three kids here in Seattle. My oldest two daughters are in school, while my son is still in preschool until next year.
Each morning is a race against the clock, packing their lunches and getting them down to the bus stop before a full day of work. I work fully remote, only going into the office about once per quarter, which is vital to caring for my family.
I can’t compromise for my kids
I want my kids to get everything they would get from a two-parent household — I never want the bare minimum for them. This means a strict work-life balance.
Piano recitals, morning drop-offs, and showing up for class parties are some ways I show up for my kids during work. I’m a full-time parent, every hour of the day, since my divorce during the pandemic.
I consider myself overemployed since being a single dad is a full-time job. I get support on certain days throughout the week, but I’m getting them up and out of the house every day and putting them to bed every night.
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Being a single parent involves a lot of unavoidable expenses. I have to pay for preschool, camp, and after-school activities; otherwise, I can’t work. It’s a real balancing act — I’ve set strict guidelines to ensure I’m closing on my deliverables and there for my kids.
If I don’t show up to their class or piano class, no one does. So I show up, which means asking for some grace at work. Thankfully, my colleagues are flexible, which is another benefit of working remotely.
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Remote work is a necessity
Each day, I go to the bus stop to walk my kids to and from school. Because of this, my work hours are constrained between 8:50 a.m. and 3:50 p.m. to get all my work done. After that, it’s all play, no work with my kids. I seldom log on after work and try to avoid putting a spreadsheet between me and my kids.
For me and for many other caregivers, flexible schedules are not about comfort; they’re about whether employers consider caregivers for the job in the first place. Whether you’re a parent or caring for a parent, your time spent away from home can be unmanageable.
Some companies now require more people in the office, which could shrink their applicant pool or weed out some existing employees. If your boss sees you as too busy with matters outside work, you might be assumed to be a poor performer.
That guilt is also internal, so I try to be visibly excellent at work and beyond scrutiny in my performance. My company isn’t enforcing these mandates, but I still ask myself, “If I weren’t a single dad, would I get the same level of grace?”
I’m also a bit of a workaholic, so that helps.
Thankfully, I work at a company that has allowed me to grow, first in marketing, then in sales, and now back on the marketing side in my current role. One of the many reasons I’m so loyal to this company is the flexibility it gives employees. While many of my millennial friends have job-hopped after college, I’ve been with my company for nearly 10 years.
I make sure to take care of myself
As the sole breadwinner of my household, I need to take care of myself as much as possible. When you board a plane, they say, “Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.” You can’t be a good parent if you’re falling to pieces.
In a month, I’m trying to get a massage, attend weekly therapy, and hire a babysitter for Saturday to see my friends and take off my dad hat off for a couple of hours. My mom will also help on Wednesdays since my kids have early release at 2 p.m. My parents live in the area and watch my children on Sundays during my therapy, which is helpful.
Childcare is critical because without these support systems, I would be taking more time off work and paying even more for after-school care and activities.
We also have a community here that I really love. On Fridays, before the rainy season here in Seattle, one of the houses will host a “street dinner” — a potluck in someone’s front yard. It gives us a small-town feel and lets the kids play with other people in the neighborhood.
It’s helpful for me to build these connections early and in the neighborhood. Having this village helps me raise my kids and keep up with their lives as they change rapidly.
The only constant in parenting is change
Many of my friends are just starting to have kids, and I try my best to give them my best parenting advice when they ask. I always say, “The only constant is change.” If something wonderful or amazing happens in your child’s life, soak it in and appreciate it because it’s about to change.
The same goes for when they might be in a rough patch. You just need to get through it. Being present and engaged in your kids’ lives is a real privilege not awarded to everybody.
Are you a parent struggling to find your way through the economy? Contact this reporter at [email protected].
