This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jillian Bowman, a 52-year-old living outside Toronto. Her identity has been verified by Business Insider. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I started dyeing my hair when I went gray at the age of 17.
Then the pandemic happened and I did what everybody did: I let my hair go gray. It was a big scary thing, but I was so proud to have done the work — not the hair maintenance work — but the actual self-work to be brave enough to do it.
I thought when I had to go back in public again, I would go to the hairdresser and get it done. But I loved the way it looked, so I just let it go.
Overnight, though, I noticed a change in how I was treated.
As soon as I started showing up with gray hair, people were kinder to me — like, old-lady kinder. Even when I go out in public or go shopping, people are nicer to me.
But in an interview, people were dismissive. I don’t get asked the questions that someone would ask if they were seriously looking to hire someone. I found myself slowing down in interviews to keep pace because they asked questions about things from 10 years ago, rather than asking about AI architecture and agents.
My background is eclectic, but it’s always followed the same thread of marketing, business growth, and change management. I’ve been doing contract work since 2014, and I’ve enjoyed working for myself. However, over the last three years, I’ve been seeking a more stable, full-time position.
After I stopped dyeing my hair, I pretty much gave up trying to get a job from other people. I would love to have a full-time job, but I don’t want to dye my hair just to get through the interview process.
I’ve been told I’m too ‘mature’
Around 2021, I did my first video interview after starting to gray.
It was for a CMO role, and the initial intake interview was done by a junior recruiter. She didn’t ask me anything about marketing, just about the brands on my résumé from 10 years ago. As she was winding down the interview, I asked her, “Why didn’t you ask me any questions about digital marketing or anything that would be relevant to the job?”
She said, “You remind me a lot of my mom, and she can’t even use her cellphone. I didn’t want to ask you a question that you couldn’t answer and embarrass you.”
Usually someone in a recruiter position isn’t going to say that, but I’ve received a lot of hair color-adjacent comments from friends, like have you considered using a photo on your LinkedIn from a few years ago? I’ve also faced other feedback from recruiters that carries a similar tone.
I was once told that my maturity wasn’t a fit for the team that I would be working with. It was for a CMO role. Maybe there’s an assumption that I wouldn’t be able to work for someone younger than me, but I have zero problems with that.
Recently, I had an interview where they told me I ticked all of their boxes. Then they said someone on the team wanted to have a quick chat to go over the client I’d be working with. He came on the video and decided he didn’t need to go over any of the details, but started talking me out of the opportunity.
The call was over in five minutes, and I got a message the next day saying they went with another candidate.
I knew gray hair would be a roadblock
I’m not blaming the fact that I don’t have a job on ageism, but I am saying that I have been met with ageism a very large percentage of the time that I’ve thrown my hat in the ring.
I knew that gray hair would be a roadblock. It’s why I initially hesitated to change my LinkedIn profile picture. Still, to think that showing up as myself is what’s holding me back is a very rude awakening.
A lot of companies need the sort of leadership and mentorship that comes with decades of going through cycles of change, and adapting to digital advancement. As a Gen X, my career started before email. I remember when the fax machine was out.
People shouldn’t look at Gen X and think that they can’t adapt to new tech. Trust me, we can do new tech developments.
